remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
