I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize