I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We had to coat check the pizza.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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