Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
