Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
