Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
