I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize