Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
