drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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