she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I need to calm my uterus...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
