So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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