if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
