I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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