watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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