she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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