i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize