the condom got lost in my hair
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
