I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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