Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
