New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is my gift to your gina
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
