What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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