boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
