they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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