watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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