at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
