Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
