yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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