Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
