i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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