I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
