i would punch a child for taco bell
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
