i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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