if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
should my penis look like a turkey
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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