And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
