thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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