My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and she was petting her beer can
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
