You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm always down for nudity.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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