i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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