my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did I show you my penis last night?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
