She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
