my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
