Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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