yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
