this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This house was built for laser tag.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize