you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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