sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
