I need to stop coming to work sober
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
