But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
