you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
