Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
