My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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