I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
