is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this is an emotional support booty call
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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