when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize