Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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