You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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